What a wave of emotions do I have going on right now!

But before I get to the less happy stuff, things like this just make me happy.

I love Christmas. And Christmas music. And Christmas decorations. Basically Christmas anything.
And I love She & Him.

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So first off, I am super bummed, I think I actually found the problem of my “horrible lighting” situation.  I had dropped my phone awhile back and cracked the back side of my phone.  We took it into the Apple store and the guy changed out the back panel for me. FOR FREE, even when it wasn’t suppose to be. Win for me I thought.  But I think when he put the back, back on he put it on wrong because every which way I turn the phone when I take photo’s there is a blurry side.  So yes, maybe my lighting is less than mediocre now, I think an additional problem is the blurriness.  So we’re going to take it back in to see if it is something they can fix. I hope so because as lame as it sounds my iPhone takes amazing pictures, way better than my digital camera.

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A bummer due to this. I had a delicious breakfast I really wanted to share, but as I said, the lighting and the blurriness, was just to much. I was getting no good pictures. So I quickly gave up.  Yes I could post ugly pictures and try to talk it up, but it just wasn’t worth it to me.

Breakfast did look a little like this though.

oh yes. another oiaj. and yes it was in this jelly jar. well not this jelly jar, but you get the idea.

I’m not gonna lie I get a little giddy when I see my jars getting empty.

my jar this morning did not have banana because i knew i was taking one with me for lunch. it did of course have peanut butter on it. duh. i mean. you don’t have oiaj without it.

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So even though I feel like I prepare myself for school, I have still found myself freaking out a bit. We were suppose to have a quiz today, which I feel like I studied well for and when class started, nope teacher decides were doing the practical instead.  The practical is basically a quiz in itself just with pictures and knowing a bit more in-depth of the information.  I thought it was a total low blow and I don’t think I failed it by any means, but 1. It wasn’t over what she initially told us our practical would be over and 2. It was things I feel like I wasn’t completely comfortable with. Again, I don’t think it was right for her to switch it the day of, but what can you do I guess.

But my point in bringing this up is although I do well in class, I still hate how emotional and how easily I can work myself up.  I know it also has to do with where I am at with my recovery process as well.  Starting to really challenge my ED has taken an emotional toll on me.  I know I need to gain weight, but the actual weight gain is just really freaking me out. And it’s crossing over into all aspects of my life. School, Relationships, Moods.
I hate it.

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 I know I’ve been talking a lot lately about my eating disorder, but I really feel like typing and getting out my feelings really helps me acknowledge them.

Being in the blog world is so hard. Yes, it’s liberating and fun to get new idea’s, but I also look at others and even some who are open about their own eating disorders and some that are not and think, if they can control what they eat, so should I.  But what a horrible horrible thing to do. Compare.

Because I can not compare myself to others. That is part of what got me here in the first place. My body is not yours. It never will be. It shouldn’t be.

Now maybe people aren’t posting everything they eat, but I sometimes am finding myself thinking “man I wish I could eat only that and be satisfied” Why though? Why would you want to eat less? You should eat what your body needs. Who cares if it’s 2000 calories. Or more. Who cares about calories? Calories are man-made. They are fake. They are made by humans. Trust me, your body is not counting calories.

how many calories did this bowl of oatmeal have? who knows. who cares. did it fill me up. maybe. maybe not.

The point should be was I full after eating this. Yes? Ok, I’m done. No? Ok, maybe I should eat some more. No shame. No guilt.

what about this bowl? who knows. who cares.

But the fact is we do care. And we do count. Thankfully I do not count calories anymore, but I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not internally aware of what I’m eating. And still buy those “safe” foods.

But let’s try and stay positive because as I like to always try to remind myself I have so many positive things going for me right now.

I mean I have this motivation to do well in school.

this was the background to my computer screen when i signed in one morning before a test.

I mean seriously. If that doesn’t put you in a good mood in the morning, I don’t know what will.

Oh I know what else will. The random notes I get in the fridge. He knows I like my fridge notes!

I also get some of these.

i find these in the most random places. might have too much time in his mornings, but i love them!

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I also have this guy as a study buddy.

i mean seriously. look at that guy.

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It’s amazing what silly little things like this can do for your motivation though. Makes me remember there is always someone who believes in me and that yes I can do this.

So yes, I am  having my struggles. Yes, it has been hard to keep on track lately.  But yes, I can do this.

Not only school, but continue to fight my eating disorder.

I’m a winner.

You hear me? A winner!

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What do you do when your motivation is down?

Do you count calories? Do you think it’s healthy to count calories? I guess it really just depends on where you are in your life.  Maybe if you are healthily losing weight than it’s ok, but after all this, counting calories to me just seems so dangerous.  If you want to eat healthy just be aware of what you are eating.  Not stressing over every calorie.