Hello Loves.

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I know. I know.

I have totally been MIA again.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me?

School has again taken over my life and honestly other then going to school, not much has been going on.

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Although I did recently have an event that is worth mentioning.

I haven’t done an update post on how I am doing. Eating disorder wise.
So I figured with recent events, now would be a good time.

So. I’m doing good. And not so good.  I’ve kind of been up and down.

I will have a great week. Gain. Things are good. People are happy. But then I freak out.

It’s like I know I need to gain weight, but when I actually push, and it actually happens. It freaks me out a bit. Or let’s say it freaks my ED out.

Source

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It just seems like the places where I have started to gain weight, are the exact areas that got me here in the first place.  I know the hardest thing about recovering from this disorder for me is going to be self acceptance.  Accepting that my thighs and belly may never be how I want to them to be, but guess what. That’s ok. I’m perfect the way I am.

Source

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So what typically happens when I come to a stand still and I don’t gain as much as my nutritionist wants?
You guessed it. She takes me out for a challenge meal. And trust me. This lady does not let me slide with my ED eating habits.

What did she choose? Mexican food.

I use to love Mexican food. Well I still do, just of course minus all the cheese and sour cream now. And chips? Nope. Because those are fried. Duh.

Now, I typically do pretty well at my food challenges. I make sure I go hungry.  This time Matt came with too, so that was a big help to have that extra support.

When it came time to order, she didn’t even let me stick to my mostly vegetarian eating habits. She really wants me to get better protein in, so I knew that one was coming.

Now I’m not going to lie, there was a ton of anxiety leading up to dinner. I did great though throughout my day and made sure not to restrict at any other meal.  I got a little pep talk before dinner and off we went. Once I vented a bit about why I was anxious, heard how silly I sounded, I calmed down so much. And to be honest, I really did want to enjoy myself. If I had to do it, might as well indulge in the situation. So I did.

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Here is what we all got.

I guess I went kind of safe with a chicken burrito. I did however get some enchilada sauce on the side. So glad I did.  I actually wanted to get shredded pork, but I haven’t had red meat in so long, we were a little concerned on how my stomach would react. Another accomplishment? About halfway through my burrito I said I was full.  I don’t know if I was full or if my ED was full.  But my nutritionist did not let that slide. I was basically told that I had to finish my plate considering I didn’t get beans or rice or any sides.  After I was done…I realized ED had been full before, because I ate every last bite and wasn’t “stuffed”.  And you know what, I didn’t feel guilty for cleaning my plate.

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Proof!

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Matt I believe got carne asada tacos.  He finished his plate too, so I’m assuming they were good.

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My nutritionist ordered the tamales, which the restaurant is known for. She made me try a sample of hers and oh goodness.

I actually wish I ordered what my nutritionist got, but I told everyone more reason for me to go back! And you know what. I think I will.

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So yes, I have been doing really well pushing myself food wise.  What I am struggling with is how I feel afterwards.  I still sometimes have that guilt of “I ate too much” “I should be full”.  I am slowly learning though to honor my body.  And if it tells me it wants more. It wants more. End of story. No guilt.

I’ll get there though, because there is no turning back for this girl!

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I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

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What have you challenged yourself with lately?