wiaw #16 – gingerbread loving

Hello my loves. ♥

I hope everyone has been having a great week so far!

Mine has been extremely stressful. Not only with school, but emotionally dealing with a lot of things.

I won’t get into that much detail. I like to try and keep my posts positive!  But sometimes you just have to be honest and if you’re struggling. You’re struggling.

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I feel like things have taken such a positive turn in my life. Deciding to go back to school, recognizing and fighting my ED, and the holiday’s always put me in a good mood!  But lately, some things have taken a huge toll on me. The actual stress of school, problems with my mom, and me actually challenging my ED.  Lately I have really been trying to do that, in the form of trying to break my obsession with thinking I need to “work out” or do some sort of activity.  I find that when I do that, actually take a day off, I feel horrible about myself and all I want to do is restrict my meals.  Thankfully my hunger will not let me do that.  When I am hungry. I eat. I have to. But then I just feel horrible about my body.  I try to tell myself I need to gain. And this is ok. But mentally it just really takes a lot out of you.

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But anyways. I do want to keep things positive, but I had to get that out! Phew. I feel a a little bit better!

It is however that time of the week.

What I Ate Wednesday.

And boy, do I have a tasty treat for you guys.

But first let’s go thank the beautiful Jenn at PeasandCrayons for hosting this wonderful event.

What a doll.

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Being so busy with school again (does this excuse ever get old?) All my meals are not photographed or pretty to even look at.

But I have been trying to stress myself out less and not go to the library as much in the mornings and actually enjoy my breakfast and time at home.
Yes of course I am still reading and studying at home.

At least trying to.

I have two spotlights for you loves today.

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One. A classic favorite.

i am a sucker for ruts. i swear once i eat something i enjoy i eat it over and over and over. i have been taking advantage of being able to actually prepare breakfast so my soy chocolate panini has made quite a few appearances.

I really am pretty bad at getting stuck in ruts.  But sometimes I think why switch it up when I know this will satisfy me.

of course with the addition of pumpkin butter and cinnamon. paired with my remainder of pudding and apple. yum.

I got a cute new little side bowl the other day. I love it.

why am i such a sucker for sweet. sometimes i think of this sandwich and think what a weird breakfast. it's just so tasty though.

It really is an odd breakfast. Oh the things I come up with.

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Now on to my new creation of a wonderful delicious breakfast.

I have been seeing gingerbread recipes all over blog land.  I’m not a huge pancake person, so I never really have the opportunity to make gingerbread pancakes.

Oh wait. I’m not your standard pancake person.

This recipe is in fact a pancake.

An oatmeal pancake.

Gingerbread style.

You heard me.

hello deliciousness. i almost didn't make you.

I have been going through my banana’s like a crazy person and actually hadn’t had one go really ripe in awhile. When I saw one going a bit ripe, I thought to myself, could this be? An opportunity to make an oatmeal pancake?  Yes, I am lazy and will typically only make microwave banana oatmeal pancakes. Yes. Microwave. And they are delicious.

a little protein frosting to top it off. i actually did not even need syrup! the blastphemony i know.

I made my protein frosting using Spiru-tein’s cookie’s and cream flavor. oh. my.goodness. delish!!

Sprinkled with a bit of vanilla granola love. Gotta have a bit of crunch.

i also got new little snowman towels. love them!

Ok ok, so I bet you are wondering what all went into this glorious mix. Let me tell you.

Gingerbread Oatmeal Pancake

(Serves 1)

1 ripe banana

1/2 cup rolled oats (more or less depending on how big your banana is)

1/2 tbsp cinnamon

1 tsp ground ginger

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tbsp maple syrup (more if you want it sweeter)

Combine everything in a bowl and mash and mix away. Sometimes I add a bit of water if the banana isn’t ripe enough or if I put too much oats in.

Once all combined pour onto a plate and form into pancake form.

Microwave for about 2 minutes. More or less depending on how moist your batter is.

Enjoy.

photo shoot ended because i couldn't help myself but to nibble. omg. delish.

I am going to be crazy busy with school again so I am glad I took the time to make a few fun breakfast.

I see a lot of nut butter and jelly sandwiches in my future.

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Have you had any gingerbread themed meals?

What is your favorite breakfast food? Hello carbs. Totally my weakness.


 

take time. and breathe. and eat.

Thankfully this week wasn’t nearly as stressful as I thought it would be.

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Since I read so much ahead of time, I actually knew most of the information before class even started and this time around my teacher is actually writing the tests and quizzes as opposed to her receiving pre-made ones by the book company. Which is a lot nicer, because what she actually talks about in class is now what is actually on the quizzes and tests.  Makes sense right? Well, sadly it wasn’t like that before.

So I am proud to report I did quite well on my quiz, practical and test. Oh yes, I basically have three tests a week.

It’s awesome.

Not.

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Along with feeling more comfortable with the material I actually did not go to the library in the mornings before class.  A few of us actually met up a few days to study and review, but even when I did that I was able to spend more time at home and more time preparing a decent breakfast.

I actually had the same thing two days in a row. Can you believe it?

Oh wait, coming from someone who tends to get into ruts, I’m sure that actually isn’t too surprising huh?

What can I say, I’m predicable. 🙂

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Welcome one of my true breakfast loves.

soy chocolate pudding panini. i seriously love these things and can’t get enough of them. i’m such a sweet eater it’s a bit ridiculous.

But alas, again I was a bit rushed this morning. I actually can’t believe I took the time to photograph it, because it was actually consumed in the kitchen, standing up, while making/packing my lunch.  Not to say it wasn’t enjoyed, how could I not, just again rushed.

i used the pumpkin butter again and of course you have the apple/pudding/and some cinnamon love meshed all in there. grilled to perfection.

I try and tell myself that since the apple is in there this is an acceptable breakfast and that pudding for breakfast is ok.

That’s what I tell myself.  It seems to be working.

and of course paired with the remainder of my apple and pudding on the side for some extra dipping.

Not gonna lie, as soon as the photo’s were taken the apple went right into that pudding.

And then into my mouth.

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Another frequent visitor came back for an appearance on the breakfast menu.

i know i said i was getting egg sandwiched out, but not having it for a few days brought back my craving for it. although i think i crave the jam component more than the egg component.

By the way, I’m not sure if any of you have tried this (although some of you told me you did and that made me super excited!) but it is a very very messy breakfast.  At least for me. Maybe I’m just messy. That’s always a possibility.

i even took the time to pair this with a delicious mini greek yogurt mess. i ended up adding a bit of my apricot preserves to the yogurt to sweeten it up a bit (which was amazing) and topped it with some cherries and pineapple and a light sprinkle of my maple cereal.

I haven’t had cereal in awhile (I was told by my therapist that it was one of the top binge foods, so that kind of freaked me out) so I try and use it sparingly now.

Although I did just finish my big tub of Fage greek yogurt, and we do have some dark chocolate almond milk. And with the addition to cereal in that tub…is kind of amazing.  So it may need to make a comeback. Just a quick one though.

deliciousness. up close and personal

I’m actually starting to worry that I eat a bit too much jam/jelly.  One the sugar issue kind of crosses my mind and two I need to stop making the excuse “oh I need to gain it’s ok”  Because when I don’t need to gain anymore.  These habits may be hard to break. And may cause restriction due to me wanting to “cut back”.  Both not good options.

Although that may be a complete eating disorder thought.

I don’t even know anymore.

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Even though I haven’t been too stressed out and going to the library in the morning (trust me my after school/appointments/nightly sessions are still happening) I have been doing a lot more studying at home.  I’ve mentioned before how great Matt has been with helping me study, but the other night I had another study buddy.

Now when I say study buddy you would think I mean someone who is helping me study. But I think this one had other motives.

oh he looks soooo super cute doesn’t he. i swear this guy wants nothing to do with me, unless i’m laying on the couch, trying to do something else.

I swear this cat when I try to pet and love on him he wants nothing to do with me.

But oh, mom is laying on the couch. She looks busy. I think I’ll go lay on her now.

i mean seriously. look at that face.

Now what a great study buddy you think right? I mean. He’s just sitting there all supportive.

Then this happens.

done-zo. passed out kitteh. i took the hint. we stopped studying.

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I hope everyone enjoys their weekend I know I am looking forward to mine.

Will there be trips to the library in my near future?

Of course.

But Matt’s parents are driving down to do some shopping (they moved to Payson, AZ which is a small mountain town that does not have some of the stores they like) so that is always a good time to see them.  And then let’s pray the Colt’s actually win a game.

We have our lucky snow globe to root them on!

go colts!

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Do you have any weekend plans?

Do you like to study by yourself or with a study buddy?

And I’m curious to know how people are doing on their Christmas shopping?  I haven’t barely started (although Matt is already done) but I love to Christmas shop! I really wish I was working and had more money to spend, I went to the mall the other day and was soooo tempted by so many things. I just love the holiday season, it puts me in such a giving mood. I just wish I could give more right now!

simplicity

The other morning I made the decision (which was a hard one) to not do my morning walk.

Huge accomplishment for me.

One of my main issues with my ED is the obsessiveness of thinking I need to “work out” or do something to compensate for the increase of food intake I have.  Now when I say increase of food intake, I mean I am actually eating normal now and not restricting.  But mentally still for me, I look at it as more food, more calories.

I am telling you, when I am mentally healed. I will be so happy.

Thankfully I have re-fed enough to where I am not at the health risk anymore.

I’m no where near where I need to be, but I’m at least out of that danger zone.

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But anyways. So this glorious morning (that I freaked out about the rest of the day, mind you this is the day after I gorged myself on sushi) I made Matt and I some simple classic breakfast’s.

Nothing fancy at all, but super tasty!!

I made him a classic PB&J with a little tiny yogurt mess on the side.

oh yes and he even got it on my monkey plate! first thing out of the kids mouth when i told him his breakfast was in the fridge. is the monkey plate for me????

 Not a thanks for breakfast babe, or this looks tasty babe.  He was more excited about the plate.

Love boys.

i mixed two peanut butters because one jar ran out. but they were both just your classic peanut butters. just different brands. some grape jelly in there.

Oh and you know what that empty jar of peanut butter is going to turn into! I can’t wait!

little yogurt mess consisted of plain fage greek yogurt (♥) topped with raspberries, blackberries, blueberries and some cville cluster granola.

I think he was overall happy with his breakfast.  But he usually doesn’t complain either when it’s made for him! And on a monkey plate I guess!

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And for me, I brought back a classic.

Oh have I missed it.

This actually use to be my lunch a lot of the times but it just sounded good for breakfast.

soy chocolate panini. how i have missed you.

Now I happen to be a very sweet breakfast eater so this is great for me.  Matt said it was a bit too sweet for him. But he’s crazy.

i made the wonderful addition of my local pumpkin butter that i had gotten at the farmers market. it seriously made this thing taste like an apple pie.

With having the week off it has been nice actually being able to make breakfast.  This breakfast however was kind of rushed.  Matt and I were lazy and slept in and I had an appointment and he had to get to work, so breakfast was kind if scarfed down. Guess I’m just going to have to make it again!

paired with the remainder of my apple and pudding. just an overall amazingly sweet breakfast.

So even though Matt and I’s breakfast were simple, they were satisfying. And even though I had to shove it in my face quickly, I still enjoyed every bite.

And that’s what eating and meals should be!

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What are you simple yet satisfying meals?

Do you prefer sweet or savory for breakfast? I would say I’m a little from column A little from column B. I could go both ways, but it seems like I always lean towards the sweet. I like my jams what can I say!

finally!

Matt and I actually let our fridge and cupboards go to almost a bare minimum which does not happen a lot!

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So today we ran a bunch of Halloween errands.

We also made a trip to Trader Joe’s which we all know how much I love and enjoy. Pathetic grocery shopping gets me that excited? Maybe. But I’m OK with it.

My main excitement though.

Dun dun dun.

finally!!! i have been so jealous of everyone who has had access to this for um forever and i seriously squealed in my store when i saw it. matt told me to get 3 of them since we didn't know how long they would carry it, but since i had never tried it i didn't want to go overboard. right away.

As soon as I got home the finger quickly entered the jar. Um. Fig Newton in a jar anyone? This stuff is amazing. I get it now.

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We got some other new things too, and a few oldies, but goodies.

i have heard good things about sprouted tofu but have never tried it. i'm actually a big tofu fan and don't mind the texture so i'm curious to see if there is a big difference. i know they aren't really in season, but i've missed my strawberries! and this rice looked interesting. i really wanted to do an enchilada night again and thought this would be a good side dish.

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new spaghetti sauce i wanted to try and probably the most amazing enchilada sauce and blueberry jam around.

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matt really likes some of their frozen entrees, he takes them to work for lunches. a few new ones he wanted to try out. and seriously these california veggie burgers are amazing.

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and some random school snacks for me. i seriously fell in love with the kids clif bars. so tasty and they get me through my day. and i love fruit. i was actually out of banana's for about 4 days and thought i was going to go crazy! me without banana's? not a good sight.

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It always makes me laugh because Matt and I literally went into Trader Joe’s with a list of the enchilada sauce and banana’s. Their banana’s are only 19 cents! This was not all we got, there was plenty more random goodness in our cart. Always happens. They get us every time!

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Do you follow your grocery list or do you end up getting extra’s?

Have you tried fig butter?

If not. I highly recommend it.

almost omelet failure

It’s official.  I do not know how to make an omelet.

Well, half way at least.  I can make them taste good, but the actual cooking process, I literally am omelet dumb.

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In cooking my breakfast this morning I seriously stood over the skillet thinking to myself “do i flip the whole thing like a pancake?” “do i fold it over now?”.  This resulted in an almost burned omelet, but I saved it! I also think I made the wrong choice.  I did not flip. I folded.  Which led to an uncooked middle.  Don’t worry, I just squished it all out to get cooked.  Then covered the top in salsa so you wouldn’t see my almost burnt mess!

yea i guess you can still see that i kind of burned it. but i'm not kidding when i say i literally stood there with the "omg what do i do" face and just froze.

Since I was never (still really am not) a huge egg person, I make my omelet’s pretty simple, because honestly I don’t know the rules. So do you add ingredients to the egg mix and then pour? Add everything to the skillet and then pour the eggs on top?  I’ve seen recipes to add a cheese spread in the middle, when do I do this? I just don’t know. But this morning, I added a lovely addition that really took my omelet up a notch. (I just added it to the egg mixture…I didn’t know)

i had gotten this off of opensky, as it came with two fruit jams i really wanted to try (kiwi & apricot) and this was part of the bundle. great added bonus.

This seriously added such a nice spiciness to the omelet and I am out of jalapenos’ or fresh would have went in (what can I said I like it spicy, always)

Remember my buffalo chicken salad? That I had like 3 times in a week once. I just can’t help it. My dad taught me to eat jalapenos’ out of the jar!

Anywho, back to the omelet.

paired with a side of a fresh organic gala apple and half a banana. i will tell you what i did with the other half later! but it is totally worth mentioning!

So even though I don’t have the cooking method down, I do a pretty good job at hiding the eggy taste I really don’t like because I actually enjoy these breakfasts.  I’m just really trying to find different ways to get protein into my breakfasts.  I hate to say this, because as much as I love my oatmeal, adding protein powder is not keeping me full.  Even though you would think all that fiber carby goodness would, right now it is just not what my body is needing.

i don't like fruit or anything do i?

Although another protein filled meal that has been super tasty lately are my tofu scrambles.  Wow two things I really did not expect to really enjoy. Tofu and Eggs.

tofu scramble with salsa mixed in. cream cheese and fresh farmers market tomato with a mini yogurt mess on the side. seriously. i love fruit.

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`Ok, so we all know my love for Trader Joe’s and their products. That store is seriously dangerous.  Matt and I went once for literally 3 items and walked out with a cart full.  Once I see him adding things, I just can’t help myself.  So I decided to try some new veggie burgers.  We typically do the standard Vegan Boca Burgers, if we don’t make them ourselves. (By the way we had homemade veggie burgers and grilled corn on the cob the other night and I am kicking myself for not taking pictures, because they were so delicious. Wish I remember what all I put in them because it was seriously recipe worthy) But I wanted to try a new pre-made version for quick lunches.
Boca, I’m sorry, I don’t know that I can go back to you.

this little patty of veggie goodess was delish.

The brand is Dr. Praeger’s.  I think I’ve seen people eat some of these other products, but when I was looking at the veggie burgers these just stood out to me for some reason.  I wonder if Trader Joe’s makes their own. I’ll have to check, but I had really been wanting a more veggie burger than soy burger.  I really try to not eat too many processed soy products, but sometimes when I need a quick easy lunch they work.

i served this on a small bed of romaine with some oven roasted broccoli and organic creamy tomato soup on the side. (ha. i just typo-ed and put dreamy. it's actually not the best i've had, so sorry soup you are not so dreamy.)

I was actually surprised at how…flavorful the patty was.  But then again, I am use to bland Boca patties. So this lunch was a very nice surprise.

i bet you guys were wondering where this was. don't worry. it was there.

Like I could have oven roasted broccoli without it. Pssh.  But sad times followed.

empty bottle of ketchup oh no!! don't worry. i had a back up. pssh. like i would let myself run out of ketchup.

Overall I’m glad I decided to try a new brand.  I still think home made is the best way to go, but like I said, when you need a quick lunch they work!

♥ ♥ ♥

Do you prefer home made veggie burgers (or regular burgers) or store bought?

Do YOU know how to cook an omelet?

 

dun dun dun – giveaway winner

Ok guys I know we are all excited to know who won my Manna Organics giveaway.

But I am going to make you wait a few more minutes and talk about a few things going on with me first.

Muahahaha. I’m evil I know. You love me.

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First thing I want to talk about is something I feel very accomplished about.

My nutritionist had given me a goal to go out to eat to a place I use to love.  I had chosen sushi, which really shouldn’t be that scary.  Sushi after all can be very good for you.  However I had to order what I normally would have ordered before my ED.  So spicy tuna roll and all.  I however failed this task, and it wasn’t only fear, but a lot of things actually played in to why I didn’t go.  I had a very rough body image week.  My hunger and hunger cues were just off all week and I never felt comfortable going out.  Also if you’ve been reading my past posts you know that Matt and I are really starting to struggle financially, so going out to eat really wasn’t an option due to lack of money.  Although I know he would have made an exception if it would help me in my recovery and maybe I used that as an excuse.  But all in all, going out to eat did not happen.  So when I saw my nutritionist the next time she told me that her and I would be going out to lunch together on our next visit…and we were getting pizza.  You want to talk about anxiety and fear food? That would be it.

Source

So the next week came and let me tell you my ED was working overtime on my drive there and my nutritionist saw it the moment I walked in. But she wasn’t letting me off the hook.  She told me to think of good times I had in the past that was around pizza.  There were tons of times when Matt and I would just randomly order pizza and no, I didn’t gain 10 pounds overnight after those nights.  So off we went.  And let me tell you something. I DEMOLISHED TWO WHOLE PIECES OF PIZZA. And I loved every bite of it.  I was very proud of myself.  It might have helped that I was starving so there was no way I wasn’t eating, but I didn’t let myself stop.  I ate until I was full. Yay me.

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Now on to some recent eats. Because there have been some tasty ones.

oat pancake topped with a mix of cake batter cashew butter and banana peanut butter. yes i just had to add more sprinkles. duh.

 

on the side a raspberry and blackberry smoothie.

and who says you can't mix the two together?

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 Since I have the pumpkin fever, I’ve been trying to find creative ways to incorporate it into my meals.

i guess this is a pumpkin quesadilla but with no cheese. this is stuffed with pumpkin, banana bread hummus, and an apple.

paired with a side salad mix of romaine and baby spinach topped with some carrots and red bell pepper.

I could seriously probably eat pumpkin in every meal and be perfectly ok with it.

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Done with food? Ready for giveaway winner?

But what about these gorgeous oats?

plain oats with a sprinkle of rice protein topped with banana, banana peanut butter and cville clusters.

Or these

hot chocolate steel cut oats topped with chocolate peanut butter, coconut butter and cville crack, i mean clusters

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Ok ok, enough food. The winner of the Manna Organics giveaway is.

dun dun dun.

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Rachel congratulations!!! Please e-mail me with your shipping information and I will send it to Manna Organics!

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I had a great time doing this giveaway and seriously Manna Organics bread is delicious.

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Have you overcame a fear lately?

What is your favorite topping for pizza?  I got sun dried tomatoes on my pizza when we went out, oh my it was tasty. Almost got jalapenos. What can I say I like it spicy!

 

color

The last time I went to my nutritionist she informed me I was doing boredom eating.

Not something someone with an ED wants to hear.  My fear has always been that I am eating too much, hungry too much, and eating the wrong things.

In the beginning when I was extremely under weight, it almost didn’t matter because I was so malnourished that I basically could not eat too much food.  But now that I have gained a significant amount of weight and re-fed my body, this is really not the case anymore.  My new fear is I will get use to these habits of being able to eat “whatever I want, whenever I want”  Which I think had happened.  My metabolism is not working over time anymore.

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With me not able to work yet, I am finding it harder and harder to occupy my time, which had resulted in boredom eating.  When all you think about is food, and have all the time in the world to think about food, well, you think about food, and you get hungry.  My nutritionist also told me that these food ruts I was getting in was hurting me too. I was eating the same bland foods. I needed to add color and variety.  So I’ve actually been working very hard to go against my natural urge to eat my familiar foods. (I haven’t had a soy chocolate panini in a week, can you believe it!!)

not gonna lie. kind of miss this guy.

But for now he has been replaced. With new, out of my comfort zone meals.  I had been getting kind of lazy, so it has actually been a little fun experimenting again in the kitchen.

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Let’s begin with the new breakfast.

Now I in no way think my oatmeal is bland and boring.

cake batter oats. how colorful can you get with all those sprinkles.

bright fresh fruit and so pretty to look at.

But alas, I needed to switch my breakfast up. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not taking oats out of my breakfast regime, but I’m just trying to shake things up once in awhile.

enter tofu scramble with a bright red fresh farmers market tomato. seriously best tomato i have ever had. on the side fresh farmers market peach and strawberries.

This was actually pretty tasty. I let the tofu marinate in some salsa while I took my morning walk and cooked it when I came back and added a bit more to the skillet. I also love how easy tofu scrambles are to make.  Just throw everything in the skillet! Scramble, scramble, scramble. Plop on bagel.

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Ok so since we know I’m not eating my normal soy chocolate panini for lunch, what did I have?

ok so not as much color here but the roasted red pepper and tomato soup added some pop. and yes. it's in a coffee mug.

Boca vegan burger topped with the delicious Trader Joe’s bean dip that I can’t get enough of.

Ok so lunch was a little blah.

Dinner I think made up for it.

I had another buffalo “chicken” salad.  I’m telling you. I love buffalo.

bright salad with lots of bright veggies. sprinkled with some nutritional yeast and dulse.

add on the spicy goodness.

Slowly, but surely I am trying to mix up my meals. I have to tell myself not to go back to what’s safe for me. Am I cooking extravagant 5 course meals? No, not yet, maybe soon though, but for now I am trying to switch it up.  Because really, everyone does need some variety in their life and in their diet.

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How do you get yourself out of your food ruts?

Do you try to add color to all of your meals?

Have you tried the soy chocolate panini yet? Seriously. Make it.

fear foods

I think everyone has their comfort foods.  Foods they know they can always go to, and foods they know are “safe”.  But what makes a specific food item safe?  Some people will cook with butter, but won’t go near ice cream.  Will eat sandwiches, cereal, and muffins, but won’t eat pasta.  I see people obsess over calories and fat grams, but don’t pay attention to their sugar intake or how highly processed the item is.  What makes one more important than the other? The point is everyone also has their fear foods.  Most are the foods that are high in fat and calories.  But the fact is, in moderation of any food should be able to be consumed.

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Especially after being diagnosed with my ED and reading and sharing my experiences with others, I’ve come to realize everyone has their comfort foods and everyone has their fear foods.  Whether the fear be the typical chips, candy bars, ice cream, pasta, and other common “fatty, unhealthy foods” or maybe its vegetables, beans, or dairy.

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I know looking back and looking at my current situation, I definitely have my comfort foods.  I absolutely have to have yogurt, nut butters, cereal, cottage cheese, oatmeal and my Ezekial sprouted grain bread in the house at all times.  As soon as one of these gets even halfway gone, I run to the store to get a back up.  They are my comfort foods, foods I know I like and I know will satisfy me.  There are also foods that I still fear.  Pasta, greasy pizza, real cheese, full fat dairy and dining in restaurants.  The list really goes on.  And last week at my nutritionist appointment, what did she tell me I need to do?  Eat my fear foods.  I need to realize that one meal of mac and cheese, two or even three pieces of pizza will not make me gain 10 pounds overnight.  My body will balance it out.  If we eat too much one day, our bodies will naturally tell us how much we need the next. Our body’s are so much smarter than we give it credit for. We need to stop focusing on one day and realize we have 365 days to even out, and we will.  Now if you indulge every single day, then that is a different story, but most of us do not.

So I was given a list.  A list of fear foods.  And the scary part.  I was required to eat them all. So I wanted to share with you some of the foods my nutritionist wanted me to eat, and how I felt after I ate them.

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The first on my list was sweet potatoes.  Now these were put on my list mainly because I thought I might have an allergy to them, and I had been avoiding potatoes in general.  My nutritionist wanted me to give them another shot.

i decided only to have half the potato just in case i was going to get sick. i didn't yay! i've never really had a fear of sweet potatoes as their nutrients are better than regular potatoes. so maybe my fear food really should have been a white potato. but baby steps for now.

i had the potato plain, the last few times i had beans along with it, and i'm thinking the combination might have been the problem. my body is still playing catch up, so it might not have been able to handle all that fiber. silly fiber.

 Fear food number one. Conquered.

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Next on my list. Mac and Cheese

matt really wanted me to eat his velveeta mac and cheese with him, but i'm sorry, i still try to avoid the highly processed foods, so he was kind enough to get me my favorite. baby steps.

This one was hard. Now it’s not really the whole pasta fear, although pasta was one thing I did avoid, but I have to document everything I eat and when I ask my nutritionist how I count it on my daily goals, it’s a bit scary to see how much “it takes up”  Also since nothing really seems to keep me full, I still have those thoughts “I’m eating all these calories/carbs and what if I need to eat more an hour later?” I know this is my ED talking, but knowing that does not make the thoughts go away.  That’s the thing I always hated about boxed meals. You can see the calories, and there’s a serving size, so do I only eat 1 cup? But I’m not full, should I go back for seconds?

yes. i ate it out of a coffee mug.

I’ve never been a huge mac and cheese person, so I can’t say this will make a repeating appearance on my menu, but I definitely feel accomplished for eating it, because like I said, there was a lot of anxiety. I suppose that is the whole point of this, to over come fears/anxiety and know that one serving (or two) is not going to alter my body overnight.

Oh to be a kid again when mac and cheese was looked at as just mac and cheese and not looked at as 200 calories/per serving.

Fear food number 2. Conquered. (kind of)

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Next fear food. Mashed Potatoes.

I feel like I kind of cheated on this one.  We had an old box of instant mashed potatoes so I just used those.

My nutritionist said I could use instant, so I guess it’s ok, but I feel like the instant are a bit safer considering I didn’t use butter.

i should have probably indulged and got the pre-made Betty Crocker ones (those use to be a favorite) but again baby steps.

Let’s just say I failed miserably at making instant mashed potatoes.  I guess I put too much liquid in, they were kind of soupy.  So I ended making an upside down vegetarian shepherd’s pie out of it.  It was still pretty tasty, despite the liquid pool at the bottom!

soupy mashed potatoes, mixed veggies, topped with soy crumbles

I added some vegan gravy post-pictures and that made a big difference. I love gravy. Not going to lie.

it actually turned out quite tasty, but again since i really didn't use a fatty mashed potato i feel like i kind of cheated on this one.

That is one thing I’ve noticed myself doing through out my recovery.  Yes I have accepted that I need to eat more, and I do, I listen to my body and every time I feel that twinge of hunger, I will eat, but I feel like I am not committing 100% to the type of foods I need to eat.  I will eat more, but I still keep most of my foods “safe”.  I’m getting almost all my protein and fats from nut butter, yogurt, cottage cheese with the occasional tempeh, tofu or soy product.  Especially lately with all my ruts, it’s gotten a bit worse.  I wonder why I snack so much when my protein for the day came from greek yogurt.

I really really long for the day when these thoughts are gone.  When eating will just be eating. When I can go grocery shopping and not compare calories with 5 of the same products and choose the one that has 10 less per serving.  Because 10 calories really matters. Seriously?

It’s real easy to type all that out, but acting on it is a different story.

Fear food #3. Conquered. (again kind of)

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And last but not least, my last fear food on my list was lasagna, ravioli or tortellini.  Now I knew there were plenty of lasagna recipes out there, ones I could modify to make as healthy and as little calories as I wanted, even noodle less recipes, but I actually wanted to indulge in this one. I choose tortellini.  An old favorite that Matt and I use to frequently have. Why not right? That is the point of this exercise.

i was actually kind of excited to get to eat these. i say get to eat these like i wasn't allowed to before, but that's the way i thought. again the whole packaged food deal just really bothered me, but i am slowly learning to get over that and just to enjoy my food.

Since I felt like I cheated on some of my other fear foods I indulged in this one.  Which I had mixed emotions about.  While I was eating, I was happy. Like I said, we use to eat these all the time and I really enjoyed them, but after I was done eating, the thoughts of  “did I eat too much” “what if I’m hungry in an hour” kicked in. I am really really looking forward to when these thoughts are gone.

served with a side of oven roasted veggies in a tomato basil pasta sauce.

I enjoyed every single bite of this meal.

Fear food #4 conquered. This one for real!

So that was my list and I am actually very proud of myself for doing them all.  Oh how eager I am to please my nutritionist.  Now we just have to wait and see if these foods will make re-occurring appearances on my menu.

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What are you comfort foods?

What are your fear foods?

Have you overcome any of them?