Hello hello my love bugs.
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I will warn you right off the bat, this post may be a little bi-polar.
I had an amazing experience that I want to share, but I also want to be completely honest and not make life seem all rainbows and butterflies.
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However, about 90% of my life is pretty much rainbows and butterflies lately, but we all have our ups and downs, and with every positive, sometimes there is a negative. It’s just how we handle that negative, do we dwell on it? Or do we move on?
And lately in my case, I have learned how to move on, find the positives, and not dwell on the past.
So if you’ve been reading lately, you know I have had a few amazing steps in my recovery lately.
Multiple frozen yogurt trips.
My sushi date out with friends.
My celebration dinner with Matt.
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I seriously feel like I am making huge strides in becoming normal again, eating normal again, losing the obsessiveness I had with food. I thought I figured out this is just what I need to do right now to get healthy. And yes, for me that means gaining weight. But I figured out I needed to stop looking at is as gaining weight, but getting healthy, getting my life back. It was an amazing freeing feeling and I was on cloud 9.
Then I saw how much I gained, and yes a little bit of me freaked out. Well a little bit of my ED freaked out. I wouldn’t say I pulled back per say, but I was a bit more anxious. One thing I am very proud of, is I never restrict anymore. So after my trip to my nutritionist, there was a part of me that was automatically planning my “safe” meal. When I have thoughts like these the one thing I try to do is challenge it. If I have an ED thought, I will counteract it. And then some.
So what did I do?
I called Matt up and said meet me out for a drink.
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A nice cold beer is what I needed to calm my nerves. This not only challenged my eating disorder with not going home to “be safe”, but also oh my gosh how many calories were in that beer? Who cares. I was with Matt, I had comfort, half the anxiety was gone.
But with it still being early, I still had time to choose to go home and make dinner.
And I almost did.
Then I brought up to Matt eating dinner out. Half the battle was won. But when we started talking about restaurant options, the ED started to sneak back in. I will be honest in saying I was trying to think of the safest restaurant I could. We both couldn’t agree on a place and since we were in a shopping area, I suggested just walking around to see if we could find a place that sounded good to both of us. We turned onto a street we both had never been down and there were two restaurants. Sauce (pizza) and Zoe’s Kitchen. (semi-healthy sandwiches).
Automatically out of my mouth came, “oh, let’s try Zoe’s Kitchen”.
I then thought about why I was choosing that restaurant, looked at Matt and said (pardon my french) fuck it, let’s get pizza.
So that’s what we did.
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I started with more liquid courage.
(because really what’s pizza without beer)
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And then followed it with this beauty of pizza.
Guys, it has been a long time since I have had pizza out.
You want to talk about fear food, this cheesy masterpiece was one of them.
I am happy though to report that I ate 2/3 of it. All by myself.
I left comfortably full, satisfied, and back on cloud 9. I knew I had beat ED.
And if that wasn’t enough, we had plans to meet a friend who was in town for more drinks.
Yup. Beer. Pizza. More beer.
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This was a banana beer which just makes everything better.
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But with these rainbows came some rain.
Working at an animal facility, there is a huge scale available to weigh the dogs. I take advantage of that, because a long time ago I threw away my scale at home. So when I stepped on that scale, saw the number, I freaked. I know better than to weigh myself. It’s on the top of the my nutritionists’ list of things not to do. But sometimes I go against my better judgement and I do it anyways. I don’t know, it’s really just self-sabotage, but this is just a part of me that isn’t recovered yet. But again, I am getting really good at fighting my ED thoughts. I walked away thinking “Debbie, this is a good thing. This is getting healthy. This is what you need to do.” Because let’s be honest, if I want to be a successful vet tech, I can’t weigh what I weigh. And what, did I go to school just to not be able to perform at my job? No. I didn’t.
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So even though I battled my disordered thoughts. Got through them. Talked sense into myself, I did want to be honest that I still do have these thoughts. And even though I like to document the achievements and high moments, there are still low moments. But again it’s how we fight and counteract them.
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And to show my ED who really is boss, this happened too.
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I teased you guys earlier in my WIAW post about this tasty treat, and lemme tell you, it was tasty.
We were walking back to the car from the bar and walked past Sparky’s Old Town Creamery, which is kind of like a Cold Stone, but better.
After sampling probably every flavor, we decided to get Chocolate Fudge Brownie. You also get one free add in and I decided on chocolate chips. Seriously, something about chocolate chips in my ice cream I am obsessed with. Matt insisted we get it in a chocolate covered cone, we were informed that the cone was actually a topper because the ice cream doesn’t fit in it. Works for me!
This was so good. And so worth it.
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Overall though I will say I think I have accepted what I need to do.
I have seen the positives of challenging my ED and the negatives of falling victim to the thoughts.
So loves, yes I still have my challenges, but I have decided to fight them, battle ED, and I will win.
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