Hello hello my love bugs.

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I will warn you right off the bat, this post may be a little bi-polar.

I had an amazing experience that I want to share, but I also want to be completely honest and not make life seem all rainbows and butterflies.

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However, about 90% of my life is pretty much rainbows and butterflies lately, but we all have our ups and downs, and with every positive, sometimes there is a negative. It’s just how we handle that negative, do we dwell on it? Or do we move on?

And lately in my case, I have learned how to move on, find the positives, and not dwell on the past.

So if you’ve been reading lately, you know I have had a few amazing steps in my recovery lately.

Multiple frozen yogurt trips.

My sushi date out with friends.

My celebration dinner with Matt.

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I seriously feel like I am making huge strides in becoming normal again, eating normal again, losing the obsessiveness I had with food. I thought I figured out this is just what I need to do right now to get healthy. And yes, for me that means gaining weight. But I figured out I needed to stop looking at is as gaining weight, but getting healthy, getting my life back. It was an amazing freeing feeling and I was on cloud 9.

Then I saw how much I gained, and yes a little bit of me freaked out. Well a little bit of my ED freaked out. I wouldn’t say I pulled back per say, but I was a bit more anxious. One thing I am very proud of, is I never restrict anymore. So after my trip to my nutritionist, there was a part of me that was automatically planning my “safe” meal. When I have thoughts like these the one thing I try to do is challenge it. If I have an ED thought, I will counteract it. And then some.

So what did I do?

I called Matt up and said meet me out for a drink.

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A nice cold beer is what I needed to calm my nerves. This not only challenged my eating disorder with not going home to “be safe”, but also oh my gosh how many calories were in that beer? Who cares. I was with Matt, I had comfort, half the anxiety was gone.

But with it still being early, I still had time to choose to go home and make dinner.

And I almost did.

Then I brought up to Matt eating dinner out. Half the battle was won. But when we started talking about restaurant options, the ED started to sneak back in. I will be honest in saying I was trying to think of the safest restaurant I could. We both couldn’t agree on a place and since we were in a shopping area, I suggested just walking around to see if we could find a place that sounded good to both of us. We turned onto a street we both had never been down and there were two restaurants. Sauce (pizza) and Zoe’s Kitchen. (semi-healthy sandwiches).

Automatically out of my mouth came, “oh, let’s try Zoe’s Kitchen”.

I then thought about why I was choosing that restaurant, looked at Matt and said (pardon my french) fuck it, let’s get pizza.

So that’s what we did.

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I started with more liquid courage.

(because really what’s pizza without beer)

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And then followed it with this beauty of pizza.

Guys, it has been a long time since I have had pizza out.

You want to talk about fear food, this cheesy masterpiece was one of them.

I am happy though to report that I ate 2/3 of it. All by myself.

I left comfortably full, satisfied, and back on cloud 9. I knew I had beat ED.

And if that wasn’t enough, we had plans to meet a friend who was in town for more drinks.

Yup. Beer. Pizza. More beer.

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This was a banana beer which just makes everything better.

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But with these rainbows came some rain.

Working at an animal facility, there is a huge scale available to weigh the dogs. I take advantage of that, because a long time ago I threw away my scale at home. So when I stepped on that scale, saw the number, I freaked. I know better than to weigh myself. It’s on the top of the my nutritionists’ list of things not to do. But sometimes I go against my better judgement and I do it anyways. I don’t know, it’s really just self-sabotage, but this is just a part of me that isn’t recovered yet. But again, I am getting really good at fighting my ED thoughts. I walked away thinking “Debbie, this is a good thing. This is getting healthy. This is what you need to do.” Because let’s be honest, if I want to be a successful vet tech, I can’t weigh what I weigh. And what, did I go to school just to not be able to perform at my job? No. I didn’t.

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So even though I battled my disordered thoughts. Got through them. Talked sense into myself, I did want to be honest that I still do have these thoughts. And even though I like to document the achievements and high moments, there are still low moments. But again it’s how we fight and counteract them.

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And to show my ED who really is boss, this happened too.

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I teased you guys earlier in my WIAW post about this tasty treat, and lemme tell you, it was tasty.

We were walking back to the car from the bar and walked past Sparky’s Old Town Creamery, which is kind of like a Cold Stone, but better.

After sampling probably every flavor, we decided to get Chocolate Fudge Brownie. You also get one free add in and I decided on chocolate chips. Seriously, something about chocolate chips in my ice cream I am obsessed with. Matt insisted we get it in a chocolate covered cone, we were informed that the cone was actually a topper because the ice cream doesn’t fit in it. Works for me!

This was so good. And so worth it.

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Overall though I will say I think I have accepted what I need to do.

I have seen the positives of challenging my ED and the negatives of falling victim to the thoughts.

So loves, yes I still have my challenges, but I have decided to fight them, battle ED, and I will win.

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Happy Monday my love bugs!

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I can’t believe it’s already Monday, my weekend just seemed to have flew by. I am also such a mix of emotions right now. I actually just sent an e-mail to my potential externship site to set up a finalized schedule with them. I am so nervous about actually starting to work, but also so excited to be actually starting to work! Funny how one experience can give you multiple emotions. The clinic I choose I think will offer me a lot though in terms of a learning experience and exposing me to a wide range of client and animal care experiences. The doctor was very honest in saying some of their clients are somewhat “difficult”, this being because they kind of cater to the breeding/show dog community, so the owners can be a bit “demanding” if you will.

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But the doctor along with the staff seemed really laid back and easy to get along with, so I think that will balance out the needy/challenging clients. Another thing I’m worried about? My schedule will be 7am-6pm. Oh yes, I have 11 hour days in my future. And considering I am a bit OCD when it comes to schedule, this scares me. But in the big picture I think this will be good for me. Because let’s be honest, my fears are: 1. I won’t have time to exercise (eating disordered fear that needs to be addressed) 2. I won’t be able to plan my meals, I may have to eat what they order in (eating disordered fear that needs to be challenged) 3. I won’t know what time I will be home and I will be exhausted (this fear is legit).

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So I actually think this schedule will be good for me in the long run for my recovery. I will not get to work out everyday (which my nutritionist has been begging me not to do for some time now), I will be forced to eat uncomfortable foods (foods that are normal to eat and I shouldn’t have a problem with anyways). It will force me to face issues I have been hiding from. So, I’m scared, yes, but ready for the challenge. My end goal is to get better and not have eating disordered thoughts, so let’s go big or go home!

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But enough of that, because as we know Monday’s are the time to be marvelous.

So make sure you head over and visit the lovely Katie and see how we all find the marvelous in our Monday’s.

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My weekend was full of fun times. I knew it would be my last Friday off for awhile so Matt and I took advantage of it. The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous, so I told him day drinking was in order. We even made a lunch date and went to a local taco stand  that he raved about.

First exciting thing about this place?

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I had only heard of this wonderful contraption and it was my first time using a flavor machine.

I chose Cherry Vanilla Coke Zero.

It was pretty tasty! And fun!

I am sorry to say though that the burrito I ordered was meh. Nothing special.

Thank goodness we had started with this.

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The guacamole and salsa were amazing! This pretty much saved my burrito. I smothered that bad boy with the guacamole.

I like guacamole more than a normal person probably should.

#sorryimnotsorry

Looking at this picture actually makes me kind of sad because I want more.

At least I know where to find it right?

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Sunday was pretty fun as well. While all you crazy kids were out celebrating Cinco de Mayo, I was stuck at work. Thankfully next weekend will be my last weekend (there is no way I’m working 11 hour days and working the weekend). I did  however sneak away on my break and met Matt  at a local brewery for a quick drink.

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And yes I know it was Cinco de Mayo and maybe I should have gotten a margarita, or maybe a Corona in tribute, but this beer snob doesn’t roll like that. I got an amazing IPA that was way better than any margarita.

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I know you’re probably thinking, you drank on your break?? Ok truth. I probably only drank 1/3 of that beer and left the rest for Matt. He happily obliged. Like that kid would ever turn beer down.

Other than that my weekend has been pretty quiet. But there’s always a calm before the storm right?

Have a wonderful week loves, I start my extern Tuesday, so you may not hear from me for awhile.

I hope I survive.

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Did you celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

Hello my love muffins.

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I don’t even know where to begin this post, because honestly, I am bursting with so much emotion right now.

Good emotion, which makes this the perfect time for Katie’s Marvelous In My Monday, because my weekend was so amazing, and I feel so great, that even it being Monday can’t get me down.

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Let’s just start by saying I am so happy to be living a life right now. Does that make sense? Being a slave to an eating disorder for so long, I was not living life. My eating disorder was stopping me from doing so. But I have made leaps and bounds lately and it is just simply amazing.

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Let’s take Sunday night for example.

We have been making it a bit of a routine to hang out with our new friends Brian and Jenna. They were the ones we went out with for frozen yogurt last weekend. During that trip, we talked about how we all love so many different types of food. Sushi, Thai, Mexican, Vegetarian, you name it. We loved it. So we kind of made it a challenge to go to every style together.

So this weekend, sushi was chosen. Yea, like I would ever say no to sushi. We recommended our favorite restaurant and they agreed. (yay!)

Let’s just say I have no shame when it comes to sushi.

You don’t believe me? Pictures can’t even do it justice, but let me tell you what all Matt and I ordered, just for the two of us mind you.

And you can judge all you want, I really don’t care.

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We got edamame, seaweed salad, tuna tataki, yellow tail sashimi and 5 rolls. You heard me. 5 rolls.

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And if you were wondering if we finished it all. We did. Every last bite. I kid you not. No shame. White rice doesn’t scare me, avocado doesn’t scare me. All your nonsense of calories and fat, doesn’t scare me.

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You better believe that roll was fried. It had cream cheese in it to. How dare me, eating so unhealthy, so much fat.

Get over it.

I am so over feeling guilty for enjoying myself. Enjoying my food. Enjoying life. Enjoying just living and not worrying about what is going in my mouth. I was more concerned with laughing with my new friends.

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Oh, I’m sorry. Did I forget to mention I had beer and sake too?

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Guess what we did after? Yup. Frozen yogurt. And I didn’t skimp. One thing I have learned is we all can afford to over eat one night. I don’t look at it as cheating, indulging, or any other “excuse” you want to label it. I look at it as eating. Enjoying good company. And living life.

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Oh, and when you walk into a frozen yogurt place and this is the first thing you see?

Game on.

Giant tub of peanut butter? My kind of place.

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I am so happy with new my found freedom. I’m finally happy again. Happy with life. Just living. Just being. And if I end up with a few extra pounds. So what. News flash folks, being skinny doesn’t make you happy. Yes, I want to lead a healthy lifestyle, but that does not mean I have to have all these rules, and follow them 24/7, and shame myself if I break one. I grew up on bologna, american processed cheese, hot dogs, boxed mac and cheese and who knows what else, and guess what. I’m still healthy today. And not dead yet.

Now I am not snubbing those who lead healthy diets, I’m just saying, don’t obsess over it. And don’t take the joy out of eating. If you have rules, restrictions, boundaries, good foods and bad foods, I’m just saying look deeper into what that means. And ask yourself if it’s worth it.

It may be to you, but to me, I like living on the edge and not having any rules. It’s much more fun.

Stay marvelous loves.

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Do you have rules when it comes to food?

Already Wednesday. Good golly Molly.

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I had all intentions of doing a Marvelous In My Monday post, but I swear there are just not enough hours in the day. Since I didn’t get my post up for that, I want to say a belated Happy Birthday to the beautiful Katie!! Since I stalk follow her on Instagram I got to see what a marvelous day she had and she deserved a wonderful, relaxing birthday, so I am happy to see she had a great time.

But it’s not Monday anymore. It’s Wednesday, so let’s get on to the Wednesday goodness.

The What I Ate Wednesday goodness. And this is thanks to another beautiful expecting lady Jenn.

Make sure to visit her and check out her and everyone elses eats. So yummy.

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I actually have a ton to share with you. I am going to try and keep my words short and let the pictures speak for themselves, but you know me, I tend to ramble on quite a bit. So I apologize ahead of time if this post gets lengthy. But I actually have made some tasty meals and it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, so this WIAW is kinda going to be a photo dump of what I’ve been eating lately.

Hope you don’t mind.

Breakfasts around here have been pretty amazing.

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Overnight TVP prOATs are making a pretty regular appearance around here. The one thing I love about oatmeal is I never have the same bowl twice.

By the way, I am so happy strawberries are back in season, because they have been so juicy and fresh. Fresh fruit makes me happy.

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Proof I’ll put my oatmeal in any empty jar I have.

But seriously, every last bit of fig butter needs to be enjoyed.

And enjoy I did.

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And sometimes I let others do the work for me.

Love Grown did not disappoint with their oatmeal. I had been hearing amazing things about them and so glad I finally tried them.

Topped with more Love Grown granola of course.

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I’ve also been on a protein frosting kick lately. But when you have company’s like Plant Fusion and Click that make the best protein powders for making protein frosting’s with, it’s hard not to. Oh and a cinnamon over load on my apple of course.

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Now let’s move on to some dinner fun.

So one thing that Matt and I are working on, is him cooking dinner. As I’m sure a lot of you know a biggest challenge of an eating disorder is control of food. Knowing exactly what goes into a dish, and having to be the one to prepare it. Much safer that way. Matt has also dropped the ball a few times on making me dinner, or following up with challenges we were suppose to do together. So this is really something we both needed to work on.

We had made plans to have him have dinner ready for me when I got home from work. I was actually convinced he forgot – again – to start cooking. But when I let him know I was on my way home his response was “dinner is smelling so good”. He didn’t forget!

When I got home I had a wonderful spread ready for me. He had made a crock pot chicken and I didn’t even ask what he put into it. I didn’t care, I was actually just so happy he remembered to make it.

I made myself a nice little huge bowl of goodness.

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Brown rice, black beans, salsa chicken and look at all that avocado.

My nutritionist really wants me to up my fats, so I am really working on that as well.

And who doesn’t love avocado? Love me some healthy fats.

And then guess what we did the next night?

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Oh yes, long awaited sushi date. It has been so long since we had sushi and I have been craving it like a mad women.

We had gotten a Groupon for The Sushi Room, so I was finally able to convince Matt to take me.

So good. So worth it.

And after sushi?

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What’s a date night without fro-yo.

After taste testing probably every flavor I decided on the Pecans and Praline and Milk Chocolate Hazelnut.

With sprinkles of course. Duh.

Heaven in my mouth.

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After posting this picture on Instagram and Facebook, one of Matt’s friends had commented how she loves fro-yo and challenged us to who can make the biggest bowl. Challenge accepted. Yup, we went out for more fro-yo the very next night.

No pictures, new friends = no food pictures yet. It was literally my first time meeting them, so I didn’t want to seem too crazy. Although with some of the conversation that was had that night, me taking pictures of food probably would have been the least of strange things that could have happened. But trust  me, no shame, no guilt of having fro-yo two nights in a row.

Because honestly. Its’s fro-yo. And delicious.

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Ok, I seriously have more to share, but this is getting pretty lengthy, so we’re gonna leave with a

To Be Continued…

But one last teaser for my contribution for this weeks #strangebutgood hosted by the lovely Laura.

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I’ll give you a hint.

More healthy fats.

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How long do you wait before you take pictures of your food with new friends?

Would you eat fro-yo two nights in a row? If you answer anything other than heck yes, then there is something wrong with you Unless you don’t like it, then there is something really wrong with you.

Note: This post has been sitting, waiting to be posted for over 3 weeks now. I finally think it’s time to share.

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This post is hard to write.

I like to keep things light and happy around here, and even though I am very open about my eating disorder, I try not to focus too much on it on the blog. The so called “healthy” food blog world is so full of eating disorders, I don’t feel the need to contribute to the cause. Because I feel like blogging is almost a safe ground for people with eating disorders. I really feel like some blogs are fuel for eating disorders fires, because we all come here and see eating disordered behaviors portrayed as “healthy”, “normal” and we find comfort in others and have the relief of “ahh I’m not the only one”. But is that right?

I know when I first started recovery, I sought out others who had been there, who were “recovering” as well. Come to find out, they weren’t recovering at all. I finally realized that knowing you have a problem, and actually doing something about it are two different things. Yes, you can point out and acknowledge your disordered thoughts till your blue in the face, but until you actually challenge them, do something about it, and actually make the effort to get better, what’s the point of acknowledging it?

Thankfully for me, I have an awesome support system. A great nutritionist who doesn’t take my eating disordered excuses, makes me challenge myself and holds me accountable. I had a therapist who also called me on my crap. Challenged my eating disorder when I needed it, and pushed me to look deeper into why I was where I was. And I have Matt to hold me accountable at home. Call me on my shit, and push me to do my challenges.

And with all that said, I am happy to report I consider myself to be well on my way to recovery.

But actually recovering has made me realize that with saying goodbye to ED, I had to say goodbye to a few others as well.

And those were some of my fellow bloggers. This is the hard part. Because I truly care about these people and their well being and hell, even considered some of them to be friends, but reading these blogs, seeing them proclaim their eating habits and choices are “healthy” when I can now recognize that they are eating disordered is just not healthy for me.

It’s so easy to find comfort in others making the same choices as you and it makes you think it’s OK. But in reality. It’s not.

It’s not my place to tell someone if their choices are disordered choices or not and as much as I would like to save the world and rid it from eating disorders I can’t.  All I can do is remove myself from the situation.

Instagram has also become another issue. Constant meal posting, heart rate monitor and calories burned pictures, body shot, 6-pack abs, it’s just ridiculous. And not healthy.

So with the gain of my healthy life back, I must say goodbye. And again, like I said this is hard because some are people I truly do care about, but I have to do what’s best for me.

So I will be cleaning out my Instagram account, unsubscribing to blogs and attempting to stop trying to save the world.

I need to save my world first.

So I hope there will be no hard feelings and I hope everyone can respect my decision.

I would like to get rid of ED once and for all.

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Note: With all that being said, I am still here for those that need someone to talk to, someone to relate to, and someone who can give advice from a view of having been there. I truly care about all of my readers, care about their personal struggles, and will always do what I can to help in their struggles of fighting their disordered thoughts.

Happy Monday my lovelies.

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I hope you are all having a marvelous day so far.

For it being a Monday, I am in a wonderful mood and let me tell you why.

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No, nothing really spectacular happened this weekend, actually it was quite a chill weekend, but there is one thing that I have been loving lately that not only makes Monday marvelous, but life marvelous.

I would love to share everything that is going through my mind right now, but this post would be too long, probably too boring to most, and a random mess of thoughts (because that is just how my brain works).  But to make a long story short.

I have made huge steps in my recovery. I think it’s even safe to say, I crossed that last bump and finally said good bye to my ED.

I’m ready to move forward with my life, to start living again, to be healthy again.

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I no longer have rules, I no longer have anxiety and honestly, I just no longer care about food.

For so long I spent countless hours thinking about my meals, counting calories, should I eat this, should I not eat that, so on and so forth. I honestly, just don’t care anymore. I eat what I want, “healthy” or not, and I don’t give it a second thought. I don’t have to eat by a certain time, wait until a certain time, and I definitely don’t have a cut off time.

I just eat.

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I even have chocolate chips at 9am

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It’s pretty refreshing, let me tell you.

One sign I knew I had crossed that bump happened Saturday.

Our friends were having a going away party and typically whenever I had a social event to attend, I use to spend the whole day being anxious about timing. “Will I have time to eat dinner before I go?” “What if I get hungry there?” “Will I be tempted to snack?”   You get the picture.

But this Saturday, I didn’t even give the evening a second thought until it was time to get ready to go.

And when it came to ordering a drink, nope didn’t over think that one either.

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I had a great night with friends and honestly it wasn’t until the drive home and I looked at Matt and said “whoa. we had a normal night”. One thing Matt and I are really working on is getting back to “normal” and I feel like we’re finally doing that.

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We had another fabulous night out for a friends birthday party.

Ok seriously, have you guys ever been to a Dave and Buster’s?

Funnest. Place. Ever.

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I pretty much kicked Matt’s butt at the games.

(insert his face of frustration)

I won a lot of tickets, but not enough to get these bad boys.

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Maybe next time.

But the best part of the night again was how much Matt and I enjoyed each others company, had fun with each other, played with each other.

Again, at the end of the night when it hit me…so refreshing.

I’m just so happy.

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However with this happiness, there comes a sadness. With the welcome of my new healthy life, comes goodbyes to other parts of my life.

Which I will share with you later.

Because today is all about being positive, being marvelous and just being true to you.

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Also, the winner for my Conscious Box giveaway is Giselle!!

Contact me at debbie(at)accidentlydelish(dot)com with your shipping information and I’ll send it on over for you!

Hey guys!!

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I really appreciate all the support I got and continue to get from you guys in terms of my recovery. I know I am not alone and even if you’re not diagnosed, I think we all can relate in terms of having eating disordered thoughts.

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One thing I have learned and I think is important to mention is there is no perfect body, no perfect diet, and no just one way to eat/exercise/live. We are all individuals and our bodies all need different things. And if you want to give it some ice cream now and then, that’s ok too.

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I love blogging, but sometimes I think we all get a little too caught up in what everyone else is doing.  I think it’s important to remember that a lot of what others are doing and what we are reading is not normal or average. Sometimes we all have those days where we just feel blah and reading about someone else’s 2 hour work out and green smoothie is not what we need.

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I had one of those days recently. I typically do my work outs first thing in the morning before class and this one day things just went wrong, and I didn’t get the work out in that I had anticipated. Instead of freaking out, restricting, and being miserable I did what any normal person should do. I continued my day as normal. I still had that spoonful of peanut butter I might have previously restricted, sat on the couch and watched Desperate Housewives on Netflix like I always do after class and even made the fiance take me out for fro-yo. Just to prove to myself that one botched work out wouldn’t ruin or run the rest of my day. And guess what, I didn’t gain an excessive amount of weight over night either.

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I think that some blogs portray the wrong image of being healthy and what a healthy lifestyle really is. We don’t need to restrict our diets, count every calorie, work out every day, or go for 20 mile runs to “earn dessert”. However if you can run 20 miles, kudos to you! But it’s not something we need to do every day. Remember there is no perfect body and you are perfect the way you are.

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So this is just my little reminder to you that there is no right way. And you are perfect the way you are. As long as you are happy, are enjoying life, living with no regrets, all the other things don’t matter quite as much. Self acceptance is the most and maybe the only thing that matters. So throw out all the rules and just live. Life is too short.

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Hello loves!

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Although yesterdays post wasn’t negative per say, I wanted to do a positive post today!

I mean it is Katie’s Marvelous In My Monday and all.

And there has been soooo many good things going on in my life right now.

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School is going good, work is going good and most importantly Matt and I are doing good.

Through out all our struggles that kid has been my back bone and I love him more than anything!

I mean really how could you not love that face.

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I also have some pretty cute company to cheer me up on my down days.

I mean they are the best study buddy’s ever.

I guess by study buddy I mean best “I wish that was what I was doing” buddy’s.

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Another really positive thing that has been happening is my new found love for running.

I never thought those words would come out of my mouth.

I was never a runner, and I’m really still not a runner, but my morning runs give me such a boost of natural energy and strength and I love that feeling.

No, I still can’t run fast per say, or even that far, but the runs I do take are enough for me.

I don’t run for cardio reasons, I run for mental reasons.

I am so thankful I am actually at a point where I can focus on fitness. It really makes me realize how far physically and mentally I have come in my recovery.

And when you wake up to mornings like this, how can you not be thankful?

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So loves, let’s all be thankful today for our health, and in light of hurricane Sandy our safety.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!!

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What are you thankful for?

What has been making you happy lately?