treating ourselves

Hey loves!

This post is coming to you much later than anticipated.

1. I am working on getting more sleep after discussing and realizing how important it is, so I not only went to bed earlier than normal, but since today is my day off, I also took advantage of sleeping in! However sleeping in to me is 7:30am, but compared to 5:00am that’s wonderful for me!

I had all the intentions of writing my What I Ate Wednesday post last night, but before passing out early, I was too busy shoving my face with this wonderfulness.

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I briefly touch on my recovery here and there and let’s just assume I am always in the need to gain.  Matt has been super supportive and really helping me push lately that he demanded we go to Dairy Queen last night since he knows I have been having stressful days at work. It seems to correlate when I am stressed at work, I am stressed with my eating and health goals, so I really appreciated him stepping up and making me keep pushing. And really. Who can say no to Dairy Queen? Not this girl.

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On top of that Matt also treated me to a fancy date night out.

Yes I eat a lot of sushi. That’s a fact.

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But to stay in our budget we usually go to a smaller sushi joint that is less expensive. The best sushi out there? No. Good for the money? Absolutely.  But when we decided we wanted sushi one night, Matt suggested we actually treat ourselves to a nicer restaurant that is in our neighborhood.

Let me tell you, I forgot what high quality sushi tasted like. It was amazing.

I started with a seaweed salad, and in first bite I noticed the difference between a freshly made seaweed salad and probably packaged seaweed salad I have been eating at the other sushi spot.

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We also got yellow tail sashimi to share and again, the difference in the quality of fish was instantly noticed. It tasted amazing. I love good fresh high quality sashimi.

We ordered four rolls to share for our main meal.

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Salmon wrapped in cucumber, fire dragon roll, special spicy roll and spicy tuna roll.

Yes. We like it spicy. And like the rest of our meal, all was fresh and delicious.

Now, our bill was probably 3x as much as what we spend at the other place, but totally worth it.

It was also great to have a nice date night out with Matt. Much needed.

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Home meals however have not been as fancy.  I have been having really long days at work and have been getting out late that by time I get home Matt has already eaten and I have no desire to cook anything fancy in my own kitchen.

Some of my quick meals.

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Avocado mash on toast. It has become a life savor for me. I am obsessed with it right now.

EPIC 100% grass fed animal based protein bars.

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It’s a quick way for me to get high quality protein in and I actually broke one up and added it on top of my avocado toast.

#strangebutgood?

Oh and since Monday was National Beer Day. I did that too.

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Beer and beards. All I need.

Well loves I hope you are all having a great week, until next time.

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What are some of your favorite quick meals?

How often do you treat yourself to nice dinners out?

what i ate for gains

Weeeee Wednesday.

This is a long work week for me, so I honestly am so excited it’s Wednesday, because Thursday is technically my Friday this week.

Wednesday’s are also fun because the lovely Jenn gives us the chance to share our eats with each other for What I Ate Wednesday.

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These past few weeks have been bitter sweet for me.

I’m going to get a bit serious for a few seconds so bear with me. You all know I like to keep it light and fun around here, but I also like to be honest. I never pretend to have a perfect life and I think it’s helpful to share my struggles, because we all have them.

I’m pretty open about being in a weight gain stage however I never really talk about my progress.

Well for the past few months, I had been doing great. But the last couple of weeks, well not so great. I lost some weight, probably just from being extremely busy at work, but lost none the less. Let’s just say my nutritionist was not so happy with me.

I know she’s right. I know I need to gain, but seriously sometimes there is only so much food one person can eat. Matt and I had a heart to heart and we became very committed to getting me back on track and gaining again.

Which is why if you follow me on Instagram you saw a lot of this.

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Fro-yo, but with intense toppings.

Things also got more serious with this.

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Real dessert. Good ole Dairy Queen. My nutritionist literally told me I needed to eat a blizzard a day to add the amount of extra fat and calories I needed in order to gain. I wasn’t really complaining about that. However even for this ice cream loving girl, a blizzard everyday is a bit much.

So there were other ways I pushed.

Thankfully we had a few invitations with friends for meeting up for dinner so that helped with my needs for new, higher fat foods.

Matt had a friend who was visiting from out of town and they wanted to meet up for dinner, so we met at one of our favorite restaurants True Food.

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True Foods

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It was a gorgeous night out and there was a bit of a wait, so we hung out on their patio and since it just happened to be National Margarita Day, we all got a margarita to celebrate.

By time we got a table we were all starving and ordered the hummus as an appetizer. I wish I had a picture to share, but it was pretty much demolished after being set in front of us.

For dinner I chose my standard go to dish there. I really wanted to branch out and try something new, but since we hadn’t been there is a while I was really craving it.

I ordered the Brown Rice Teriyaki Bowl with Tofu.

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It was amazing as usual.

Matt decided to try something new and ordered the Panang Curry.

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I’m not a huge curry person, but I tried a piece of the chicken and it was pretty delicious.

After dinner, Matt insisted we get dessert.

There was a frozen yogurt place right by the restaurant so we went there. A picture was not taken because I was very full. Physically and emotionally. I know doing things like this is what I have and need to do, but it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t affect me mentally.

The next morning all I wanted to do was have a normal meal. A home made breakfast.

Matt…oh how I love and hate him sometimes.

He suggested we go out for breakfast.

After how I felt the night before, going out for my next meal was not what I wanted to do in the slightest.

But whenever I try and make excuses on why I shouldn’t or don’t want too, I always challenge it and just do it.

So out to breakfast we went.

We went to a local breakfast spot that we love. The Breakfast Club. It’s such a cute/hip little place that is only open for breakfast and lunch and is always busy. We love it because the restaurant has such an open/airy layout and the food is very fresh.

I ordered an omelet with broccoli, green peppers and onion. It came with fresh sliced tomatoes and a side of fruit and cottage cheese.

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Matt ordered a breakfast burrito topped with chorizo queso. It also came with a side of home style potatoes and fruit.

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And the kicker. I don’t know why, but I have been craving bacon lately.

So you know what I ordered?

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BACON.

And it was de-lish.

So I may be having my ups and downs with this whole weight gain thing, but I know it is what I need to do to get healthy.

And if that means more blizzards and bacon, well let’s be honest. It could be worse.

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Do you crave random foods?

christmas 2013

Hi loves!

I hope everyone had a wonderful love filled Christmas!

We all know Christmas is more than just getting gifts, but more importantly about spending time with our loved ones and family.

However, I was very lucky this year and got all of the above.

Matt and I did our Christmas on Monday night as I had to work Christmas Eve and almost immediately after I got off work we were on the road to his parents.

Let me tell you, that kid spoiled me rotten this year!

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You know you’re a foodie when these are the gifts your fiance gets you.

He knows me oh too well, I love it.  I am so excited to try out some of my new kitchen gadgets!!

Fresh juice, waffles and donuts are in my near future!!

After I got off work we hit the road to head up to Matt’s parents. Once we arrived we quickly got into the Christmas spirit!

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  What’s Christmas without reindeer antlers?

We ended up having  a very low key night, had some dinner, watched some Christmas movies on TV and called it an early night.

We had to get to bed so santa could come right?

Christmas morning we all kind of arose at the same time, had our morning tea and coffee and got ready for the day.

We have a few traditions for Christmas at Matt’s parents. The first being breakfast is always cinnamon rolls!

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You seriously can’t go wrong with cinnamon rolls.

Warm, ooey and gooey, fresh from the oven.

Soon after our bellies were full from breakfast the presents were passed out!

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Matt was clearly very excited. And Delilah was very hopeful there was something in there for her.

As per usual Matt’s parents spoiled us and we both got some really neat things.

But I think even more exciting than the gifts, it was time for Christmas dinner.

One thing I love about Matt’s parents is holiday’s are very low key.

That doesn’t mean it’s not delicious and they even break out the good china for us…

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…but in terms of the food we don’t slave in the kitchen all day. To us it is more about spending time together, enjoying and relaxing the short amount of time we do get to spend together. And that is just the way I like it and appreciate them for it.

But again, this does not mean there is not a lot of good food.

Because there is!

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I am always in charge of making the salads and Matt’s mom does an amazing job cooking the turkey and ham. (I seriously forget how much I love ham!) We let Bob Evans and Stove Top take care of the mashed potatoes and stuffing.

Needless to say I was stuffed and happy at the end of dinner.

I didn’t snap a picture, but I did manage to save room for Matt’smom’s home made pumpkin pie. And some may or may not have made it home with us.

Before we left family pictures had to happen.

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matt and i

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If you think Matt and I are silly, well the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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Just another reason why I love his family!

Sadly we soon had to head home as Matt had to work the next day.

Once we got home and unpacked we sat back, ate some leftovers and ended our Christmas with a glass of red wine.

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.life.is.good.

Well my loves, again, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and now we have the New Year’s to look forward too.

(and I have a 30th birthday to dread look forward too)

Happy Holidays.

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What Christmas gift that you got are you most excited about?
Do you have New Year’s Eve plans?

holiday struggles

So I have debated and contemplated writing this post for a very long time.

A recovery update post.

I usually keep things light on the blog and even though I still have my ups and downs, I like to focus more on the ups and the positives. Because to me that is what recovery is about, staying positive, and not focusing on negatives that still occasionally happen.

With it being the holiday season and with the abundance of all the extra goodies that seem to come into all of our lives, I know this is a time where a lot of us recovering from eating disorders have a hard time. We desperately want to be “normal”, eat, indulge and not have the guilt that we have lived with for so long when we allow ourselves to enjoy food, all food.

If you regularly follow the blog or follow me on Instagram and Twitter you know I have been bombarded with holiday goodies. My clinic is ridiculously spoiled and the amount of chocolate, cookies, cakes and candy that have been sent to us, it is impossible to say no to it all. I also find it a good chance to challenge my eating disorder and since I still am in a weight gain stage, I figured it couldn’t hurt.

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So when peppermint chocolate covered popcorn shows up, well I just can’t say no to that.

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And since a lot of our clients know we are addicted to Starbucks (it doesn’t help that our clinic is connected to a Starbucks) the cranberry bliss bar gift box that got dropped off, which even though I am not a fan of their new baked goods, these turned out to be absolutely amazing, well I just had to help myself to a piece.

And yes I enjoy and savor every bite, but I would be lying to say that I eat these 100% guilt free.

I know what I am doing is completely normal. I watch my whole clinic do the exact same thing, and guess what, they haven’t gained 10lbs overnight, nor have I.

And honestly, when something that looks this delicious gets delivered…

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There was no way I wasn’t having a piece of this chocolate cake goodness.

This one was worth every single bite and I was so glad I didn’t say no to a slice.

I could have listened to my eating disorder thoughts of “you don’t need this” and rewarded myself for resisting and not having a piece, but honestly, I wanted a piece. So in reality I should reward myself for actually listening to what I really wanted, honoring it, and not feeling guilty for it.

Eating disorders tell us this is wrong. We should take pride in saying no to “unhealthy” “bad” foods, but really no food is good or bad. It’s just food.

So when later in the same day when more deliciousness was delivered…

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I joined in the immediate opening of a brownie with my co-workers and took some extra’s to take home.

Again, I could have said I didn’t want any, I didn’t need any, but then again in reality, how could I not want some.

It’s really hard not to take advantage of some of the treats that get delivered. They are items that I would never buy on my own.

But I’m telling you, for someone recovering from an eating disorder it’s such a double edge sword.

In order to seem normal, I eat and take what the others are eating and taking, but unlike them, it’s a huge thought process for me.  I desperately want it to not be a big deal, to be able to eat a piece of chocolate and not give it more attention then it deserves, which shouldn’t be more than how good it tastes. But as I’m sure some of you can understand, we look at these foods as “bad”, “extra”, and think about the extra calories and fat we are consuming, should we cut back on our next meal, should we work out more the next day.

I thankfully am at a point to where I do not restrict anymore. Honestly, my body doesn’t let me. And by time I get home from work I am exhausted, so there is no chance I will be working out. Which in terms of my weight gain, that’s a good thing, in terms of my mental struggles, well that is a different story. Most times, by the end of my day, the extra goodies I consumed have long past my mind, but sometimes at the end of the night when I am physically full, it weighs heavy on my mind.

I think back to the piece of chocolate I didn’t necessary need or want at the time, but it was there so I had it.

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And the fact that even though I had those few extra goodies through out the day, I still ate full meals and was still just as hungry for them as when I don’t have the extra treats.

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I think how is that possible. Shouldn’t I be full? Not as hungry? Not eat as much for dinner? Well, that typically doesn’t happen.

And what my nutritionist constantly tells me, is this is my body’s way of telling me it wants the extra food, needs the extra food. And as much as this makes sense, well the eating disorder side of me doesn’t want to believe it.

I am happy to report though, that thanks to my amazing support system, I am starting to accept this may be the truth. To not freak out as much when the I continue to gain weight, because in reality, it’s what needs to happen in order for me to get healthy.

And really, it’s a pretty delicious way to get healthy…

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Happy holidays everyone. I hope you are all enjoying your extra treats guilt free, because enjoying a few extra goodies now and then is perfectly normal. It’s just one month out of the year and I am learning to enjoy it, embrace it one bite at a time.

it’s not a challenge, it’s living

Loves. Happy Monday!

And it’s already starting off pretty marvelous because I have the day off from work! I love having Monday’s off, but then that means I work the rest of the week straight through and that gets a bit wearing.

But I’ll worry about that later.

Since the beautiful Katie reminds us to focus on the positives there is something I want to share with you guys today.

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I’ve talked a lot about challenging myself. Mostly with food.

Well. As great as that is, I realized I was starting to do things just for the sake of the challenge.
Sounds harmless, and maybe it is, but then I realized I was putting too much focus and attention on “accomplishments” and honestly giving myself too much credit for pushing myself. I realized that these situations should not be looked at as challenges, but as just living.

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The perfect situation presented itself one day.

I had a very long day at work, was getting home late and honestly had no desire to do anything except fall on the couch as soon as I got home.

I had been texting Matt about my day and he suggested informed me he was going to just pick up pizza on the way home from work so we wouldn’t have to cook and dinner would be waiting for me when I got home.

Old me would probably freak out about the spontaneity of the situation, the fact that is was cheap delivery pizza, and think back to what I had eaten that day and if it was ok to have pizza.

Ok guys. When is it not ok to have pizza?

Never.

My point exactly.

By time I got home I was starving and didn’t even think twice about the pizza. I enjoyed every last bite and realized how much I missed pizza and having a quick easy meal ready for me. And afterwards I didn’t pat myself on the back for challenging myself, for facing a fear, I looked at the situation as just living. Because that’s what people do when they have long days.

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When you avoid spontaneous situations like these for so long you kind of forget how fun they are.

How normal they are.

And Matt even mentioned that he liked picking up dinner for us, being the one who made the decision, it was what we use to do all the time.

It’s those small things that couples just do, that we stopped doing because of my eating disorder, and it’s seriously amazing how something so small like that could bring us closer as a couple.

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And in case you were wondering, I went back for seconds.

And not to challenge myself.

Because I was still hungry and it tasted good.

I was living.

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What do you think of looking at moments like these as a challenge vs living?

What’s your favorite meal to pick up or have delivered? I’m thinking Chinese food needs to happen next…

confessions

Ok guys. It’s time to be honest. Time to be real.

I need help.

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I’ve talked about my lack of cooking mojo, falling into food ruts and possibly still avoiding fear foods and eating safe comfortable foods, but I honestly feel like it is getting a bit out of control. To the point to where I am eating the same things every single day.

Sure there are logical reasons behind food ruts. They’re comfortable, easy, dependable and they even though not glamorous, they’re practical. There are reasons why I have my breakfast wraps for breakfast everyday and nut butter sandwiches for lunch. I can prepare them quickly, there is no hassle and they travel well.

My dinners are typically quick, no hassle meals I know I like. When I get home from work, sometimes the last thing I want to do is spend an hour preparing and cooking a meal. So I tend to fall back on the same foods and meals that are quick and easy. I really just lack the motivation to cook and have no desire to put more effort into my meals than I have to.

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But what frustrates me the most, is with Pinterest and Instagram, I am constantly seeing new things that I want to make, tell myself I am going to make it that night, but when it comes down to it, I don’t, and I resort to my same foods. It’s really quite frustrating. It’s even more frustrating because I love food, I use to love cooking and creating new dishes and I miss that feeling.

Not only is this not good for my recovery, but it’s really not good for my body in terms of nutrition. Our bodies need variety. Yes, I may be eating healthy foods, but eating the same thing over and over is not overall healthy. And I really think adding that variety to my meals would get me excited about cooking again.

I don’t even really know why I do this, in all honesty I don’t fear different foods. I just lack the desire to get into the kitchen and cook something new that may or may not “hit the spot“. I think that is the true fear. Eating something different that doesn’t satisfy me, when I know other foods will.

I almost feel like when I was more in-wrapped in my eating disorder I had more creativity with my meals. I look back and almost miss some of those meals.

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Breakfasts:

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I use to experiment with oat pancakes, tofu scrambles sometimes savory with salsa and sometimes sweet with pumpkin, omelets packed with veggies.

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Lunches:

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Fresh veggie panini’s (never the same twice), tortilla pizza’s, wraps and huge salads.

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Dinners:

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Buffalo “chicken” salads (using Quorn chicken patties), spinach tortellini, tofu rice dishes and quesadilla’s with the most creative fillings.

And even though these aren’t the most  labor intensive meals, the point is, it was different everyday. I want to get back to this type of eating. Having variety and diversity. More whole balanced nutrition.

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But back in the beginning of my recovery, I wasn’t working, and basically sat at home all day which gave me more time to cook, to research, to experiment. I cooked and baked to fill my time.  Now that I am working again (which I love) I don’t have as much energy or time to put into meals and cooking anymore.  Yes, I could food prep, freeze meals, do more crock pot dishes and maybe that is something I need to work on and start doing. I honestly just wish I had someone to cook for me and make me eat different things. In a perfect world right?

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So I guess the point of this post is to maybe get a little kick in the butt, be held accountable and maybe getting it out in the open will help get my butt in gear.

And maybe you guys can give me a few suggestions of some of your favorite meals lately.

Because this whole no variety, eating the same thing  every night thing needs to stop. This girl needs some variety!

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Do you fall into food ruts? How do you get out of them?

(Edit: Writing this post actually did help kick my butt in gear. I currently have this bad boy in the crock pot. Let’s hope things keep rolling!)

 

marvelous sushi celebration

Monday already?

Seems to be the story when I have to work Saturday’s.  I feel like Monday just sneaks  up on me. Good news? I don’t work today. Yay!

So Monday is kind of my Sunday, although since Matt works it kind of stinks because I am home alone all day.

But regardless, I get the day off, am able to get some things done, and at least try to be productive. (try is the key word here)

But Monday’s are still fun because the beautiful Katie reminds us to always be marvelous. So I thought I would share a marvelous moment I had recently.

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Of course it’s food related, because let’s be honest, food makes me happy.

Matt and I had a planned sushi date for later in the week when he got paid, but when I went to see my nutritionist and found out I had gained twice in a row (and a significant amount at that) I thought we should move our date up early, celebrate, and also help me push a little more (I have a tendency to “back off” when I see I gain for a consistent amount).

Matt obliged and we headed off to our favorite sushi spot The Sushi Room.

Upon walking in I was actually a bit disappointed because our favorite sushi chef was not working.

Little did we know the amazing time we would have with the new sushi chef.

We started our meal with our per usual starters.

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Saki bombs, seaweed salad, edamame and yellow tail sashimi.

The yellow tail had a pepper spice on it that we didn’t get last time, it was… a bit strong, but thankfully since not much was put on I just scraped it off, the yellow tail was amazing. I seriously love yellow tail.

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Matt and I went back and forth on how many rolls to order.
Again, little did we know how much we would be eating that night.

One thing I love about this specific restaurant is their willingness to make me custom rolls. And just flat out their customer service.

♥ A word of advice to novice sushi goers, I highly recommend always sitting at the actual sushi bar as opposed to in the restaurant seating area (unless you’re with a group, because it’s kind of hard to talk when you’re all lined up at a bar, but if it’s just you and one other person, the sushi bar is where it’s at). It’s such a better experience and if you have great sushi chef’s like we do, it’s so much more personal, and I swear you get hooked up. ♥

The first roll I had ordered was suppose to be prepared wrapped in cucumber, my alteration was an easy one and instead of avocado I wanted to add asparagus. They said it was no problem.

They then came back to tell me that they were our of cucumber (how this is even possible I don’t know) and asked me how I would like the roll prepared. I suggested soy paper with sesame seeds. I thought that would be a nice switch up since all of our other rolls were nori/rice rolls.

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The sushi chef joked about how much trouble he was having making the roll in the soy paper and that he would do his best to make it presentable. Well this roll turned out beautiful. And tasted amazing. After about 2 pieces, Matt was actually the one to point out that the roll had avocado in it and they left out the asparagus. Now, I don’t not like avocado, I love it actually, but I love asparagus in rolls as well and just wanted a little switch up. I actually just made a joke to the sushi chef about it and he offered to make me a new roll. Who am I to say no to a free sushi roll? So I handed over the roll to Matt since I was getting a new one made me for. Win.

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This roll came out just as pretty. Just as delicious. They both were amazing. Not gonna lie, happy I got two rolls.

But it didn’t end there.

Not even close.

Matt ordered a roll we had gotten at our last visit that we both loved.

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This was just as amazing as we remembered. The spicy crab mix on top is seriously to die for.

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I also got my vegetable roll that I got last time, which was equally just as good as I remembered it.

It’s so simple, but so good. I guess I was on an asparagus kick.

And then a new roll that we kind of created.

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I believe it had a spicy crab mix with asparagus inside and plain tuna on top.

Yup. More asparagus.

It was fresh, amazing, and delicious.

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I love love love fresh fish.

I seriously think I have a bit of a sushi problem. I love it way too much. (is that even possible?)

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And I  honestly don’t know what a visit to this place would be without some kind of surprise at the end.

We got to talking about our horrible experience trying sea urchin when we were in Los Angeles.

They were convinced we were served poor quality fish and it shouldn’t have been as disgusting as an experience as it was.

They then offered us what they thought would be an equally disgusting eat.

Now you would think we would decline, but I am always up for trying anything once.

It was called Nato and I believe it is just fermented soy beans.

They talked it up so much on how gross it was and we decided we would all eat it together.

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I don’t think it was even possible to get a decent picture of this. But regardless of the horrible picture and presentation, it wasn’t nearly as bad as they were making it out to be. And not nearly as horrible as the sea urchin experience.

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Overall a very marvelous date night and just another reminder why we love this place so much.  It was a perfect way to celebrate.

But really, any excuse for me to eat sushi, I’m ok with.

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What is the grossest/oddest thing you have eaten lately?

Have you ever had Nato? Or Sea Urchin?

embracing our hunger

I will apologize ahead of time in saying this post may be a bit wordy. I love to fill my blog with positive thoughts, pretty pictures of food and a light hearted attitude, but sometimes I think there are certain things that need to be said and need to be talked about.

This is one of those things.

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I recently left a comment on an Instagram picture of a post that stated “I am always more hungry on my rest day’s than my active days” This individual was actually honoring their body and eating more (as you should), and I left a comment commending them and stated that I believed this happens because exercise suppresses our hunger, so on our off days, we of course are more hungry because our body is “catching up”. So many others were commenting saying that they felt bad for eating more  and being more hungry on their rest days and hated the feeling. Which got me to thinking.

Why would we ever feel bad for eating? For listening to our bodies? Honoring it and giving it what it needs, what it wants? Then I posed the question. “Do you feel bad when you don’t eat when you are hungry?” I can guarantee almost everyone would say no. Some could probably even say they are proud for “resisting” eating when they feel like they shouldn’t be hungry. But when is there ever a situation when we should or should not be hungry? Why are there ever right times or wrong times to eat? Why does there have to be a time limit in between the meals that we eat? The answer, in my opinion, is there shouldn’t be.

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I don’t think I will ever understand why there are so many rules around eating. Our bodies know what they want, what they need, so why can’t we just listen? Where did all these rules come from anyways? This is one reason why I hate social media so much.  One person does something, says something and it spreads like wild fire. There is so much judgement, envy, comparison.

I will admit I fell in this trap. I thought I should be eating “X” amount of calories because someone who I deemed as fit and healthy was eating that many calories. I should work out for “X” amount of time, doing this or that exercise because it burns the most calories. I thought I had to earn my meals. And if I didn’t work out as hard as I could have or did the day before, I couldn’t eat as much.Typing that out, it seems so ridiculous, and guess what, it is ridiculous.

I was listening to an old episode of Balanced Bites and there was a guest speaker stating this exact point.  He stated that we need to listen to our bodies and do what works best for us as individuals. Choose foods that our bodies respond well to, whether that follows a specific diet or not, eat as many meals as we need whether that be 2, 4, or even 6. And on days when we are more hungry than others, embrace them, honor them.

We should never be ashamed of our hunger.

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I had a perfect example of this on my weekend trip to Los Angeles.

The friends we visited are very aware of my situation.  They actually had visited us when I first started recovery and was in a very bad place.  I was still at a place where I would not even eat my meals with them because 1. I was so embarrassed at how much and how often I had to eat and 2. I still was not eating normal foods and was avoiding almost all social situations.

On this visit however, I am obviously in a much better place. I honor my recovery process, know that I need to do what is best for me, and know that I need to push myself and that I am in a different place than others when it comes to food and how much I should eat.

And let me tell you. This girl can eat. And I know I need to and I know sometimes I need to eat past full.

So when it came to my meals on this weekend visit I was probably the only one who cleaned my plate at every meal.

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food

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(at all these meals i ate every last bite on my plate)

I was actually ok with how much I was eating, because I know it was what I needed to do.

But then my friend made a joking comment of “wow you really can eat, that’s impressive”

Seems innocent enough, but to someone who is still very sensitive around food and use to restrict to minimal amounts, it made me very aware of how much I was eating.

Immediate thoughts of “am I eating too much?” “should I be this hungry?” and even “maybe I shouldn’t eat as much at my next meal” raced into my head.

But since I am in a better place, I knew better. I knew this is what I need to do to get healthy. I knew that it was ok for me to eat that much and to be that hungry. And I defiantly knew better than to restrict at my next meal.

Then again at dinner when we went out for sushi and I basically ate everyone under the table another comment was made.

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sushi2

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After again licking my plate clean, and others barely finishing theirs, it was stated at how much I could eat.

On the six hour drive home was when it really hit me and I started thinking and becoming aware of how much I had eaten over the course of the weekend. But again, I knew I was doing the right thing for me. I reminded myself I am not them, they are not me, and we do not have the same needs. I also consoled with Matt and he reminded me that the last time these friends had seen me, I was still in a very bad place and was barely eating, so to actually see me eat and enjoy food again, they were more than likely very happy and excited for me.

But this is just another reminder to not compare ourselves to others. That our needs are not the same as anyone else. That we are individuals and need to honor and accept that.

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I know I got on a bit of a vent and rampage, but I really hate hearing and seeing all the comparison and all the restriction that goes on.  I hate seeing people complain that they are hungry, I hate seeing all the calorie corner cutting that is deemed as “healthy cooking and healthy eating”. Filling our bodies with low calorie/low nutrient foods, when we should be filling them with real, whole foods that yes may be higher in calories and fat, but are nutrient dense. We are so obsessed with numbers: calories, fat grams, carbs, macros.  What we need to do is just listen to our bodies. Eat when we are hungry. Stop when we are full. Eat a wide variety of foods and find what works best for our specific bodies. Accept some days we will be hungrier than others, and trust our bodies to balance it out. Seems so simple when said, but is one of the hardest things to do. Especially in today’s society where we are constantly flooded with pictures of unrealistic six packs, skinny models and a false image of beauty.

So I ask you all to accept and love yourself for who you are, as you are. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t think that number on the scale or the size of your jeans defines you. It doesn’t. You are beautiful as you are. Always.

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